Category: read

my thoughts into words

It was just a regular weekday. After a day at work, I head to the daycare to pick the little one up and bus straight home. Typically we would have Netflix or some random playlist on Spotify as our background noise to fill our home. But once we arrived home I heard a whisper ..”quiet”. So I listened; I kept the house – quote, unquote – quiet.

No Netflix.

No music.

Nothing whatsoever.

I started to hear the pitter-pattering of Olivia’s feet running back and forth. The running sink water as I soak the dirty dishes that I have no intentions of cleaning. The whooshing and honking of cars passing by twenty two levels below us. The air conditioning rumbling on and off letting us know how cool he is. (Pun intended)

What is happening? This isn’t “quiet”.

As I set Olivia’s after-school snack on the table, you can hear the silver fork tap against the plastic plate as she struggles to get the rice. The legs of Olivia’s chair squeaking as she sways left and right out of joy from every bite. And then, there’s me. The me with the mind on blast. Thoughts that started off as a To-Do list began growing as I watered it with my attention. Boy, did it grow. Better get my pencil and notebook. Click, click. There goes my led pencil. A broken, yet continuous shushing of led as it paints on paper during my writing rampage. I know this feeling. It’s anxiety. It’s fear. It’s scattered puzzle pieces of my peace. It’s less and less of …me.

Is this silence?

My body started closing in leaning closer to the dining table with my left hand massaging my forehead. My body was screaming anxiety.

I wrote, “I know this feeling. I just need to get out more. I need to pray more. I need to eat better. I need to see my family more. I need to express my feelings more. I need …”

“Jesus!”

I look up and see Olivia smiling with rice in between her teeth, pointing at my left wrist where I’ve tattooed a Cross. What? How? I wasn’t even talking out loud yet she was able to say the exact word that I needed to hear at the perfect moment.

“I need Jesus”

I was in awe. It was beyond words, really.

Then finally, quiet.

I know I won’t have true peace and quiet all the time and the search will never end or get any easier. We’re human. Anything that feels uncomfortable, we mask with reruns of the same shows on Netflix or intoxicating our mind and body or just about anything that keeps the noise to stay.  We numb. But when we see pass silence as a monster; one that exposes you to the hidden fear of emptiness or whatever it may be, silence is actually the You that wants to be heard but was buried deep underneath worldly weight. Regardless of what you think silence is or isn’t, silence is there. Always. It’s there for you to embrace. It’s there for you to feel.

Through the silence, I sincerely hope you find more of you.

Just listen.

With you always,

I need clarity. 
I find it crazy that just by starring at crystals you choose the one that stands out to you and you’re matched with the one you need in your life in that moment. I like to think that this was a sign, a sign that I’m going through the right motions and not just going through the motions. But even if it was the latter, I’m glad I’m going through this.
Now from what I’ve read and watched, herkimer is the most powerful of quartz. It’s attuning. It’s healing. It’s magnifying. It’s clarifying.  
I was drawn to it over an amethyst necklace. The herkimer was dainty and small  but still stood out from the rest. It had black deposits casting a darker shade but to me looked the brightest. Something about it drew me to it so I bought it.
It’s important to have affirmations with it, right? My affirmations for the quartz is:
Clarify my path, 
Guide me to my souls passion,
Bring creativity into my every doing.
Clarify. Clarify. Clarify.
Bring out what I need to do.
What do I mean by clarify?
Just to be clear, I’m clarifying what clarifying means to me?
Why go there?
My mind thinks in a way where I need a clear meaning of what “what is”.
But the paradox is it doesn’t have a clear meaning.
It is.
So where does this go?
It goes beyond.
Beyond me.
Beyond you.
Beyond us.
What do we do with it?
Nothing.
It already did what it did.
So what’s the point of this conversation?
The point of this conversation is to listen.
Listen to what?
My thoughts.
But it doesn’t go anywhere.
Without even knowing it I hold on to ideas, almost obsessively, when the whole point of all this is:  
things will show up, things will be as they should be.

But my mind always goes in circles that it misses the whole point.

 

I lift my pen off my journal.

Oh, so that’s anxiety…

Dear Rachel,
You’re missing the whole point.

Let go.

With you always,

some days i learn to take it day by day,

other days i’m racing against time only left defeated in the end.

some days i have all the energy i need just by a smile given from a loved one,

other days just putting on a smile takes up all my energy.

what i learned about time is bravery will come with it and love will still it.

growing older in body but living younger in soul.

i’m appreciating this moment and every little bit that comes with it.

because in a blink of an eye

you begin to realize

the one you gave birth to

is the one who gave you life.

Stupid.

Ouch. Embarrassingly one of the most used words against me. Sometimes from strangers, other times from people close to my heart. Sometimes for fun, other times to hurt. But who am I to say otherwise? I am in no way agreeing. I understand — I never gave them a chance.

I never gave them a chance because I felt unworthy of who I was.

I never gave them a chance because I didn’t have a voice.

I never gave them a chance because I, myself, started believing it was true.

It’s all labels. Labels we draw on others with washable markers never needing to think twice about it because it washes off the first try. Labels we never realized that just on the other side, the receiver tattooed those words in bright obnoxious colours deep within their skin to be reminded day after day the permanency and painful traces it leaves behind. Labels that scar. Labels that hurt. Labels that embed fear. Labels that stay.

I get it. Being boxed in in someone’s eyes is somewhat easier, almost comforting, but in all honesty – – it’s lazy. Because you’re passing all responsibility away from yourself. Because the fear of stepping outside that box requires you to redefine yourself, by yourself. And how do you redefine yourself after years and years of being closed in? Where can you, do you, even begin?

You begin with you. The you that is worthy of every waking moment given to you by this earth. The you that speaks in bold, underline and italics through body, mind and heart. The you that deserves truth. The you that believes in you! It is now our chance to breakthrough our cemented self-doubts and into the infinite unknown.

So maybe it isn’t that we fear the labels and judgements, but rather we fear the alternative — freedom.

It is now our chance to give them that chance.

You are stupid. You are free.

With you always,