Last night there was a heavy feeling inside of me and I couldn’t think of a better way to release it than through journaling. It’s become a habit of mine to write exactly how I feel, exactly what I’m thinking every night to avoid tossing and turning with thoughts and conversations running through my mind. It’s not worth losing sleep over. As I wrote with anger and bitterness in every stroke my mechanical pencil made, it invited more heavy feelings. I kept writing and writing. Writing and crying. Crying and writing. Suddenly I heard Olivia cry in the room. It’s like she knew I was crying. Maybe it’s a coincidence. Maybe it’s a sign. I don’t mean to sound as if I’m preaching but more to share my experience. I believe that God was telling me to be still and be present, to step away from my feelings and open my eyes to what He created through me and blessed me with. Hear her cry. Hold it in the mind and in the heart. He knew I couldn’t do it myself so He gave me a push or rather an alarm to wake up. He heard me cry out for Him so He made it known that I hear Him. As I felt the weight of Olivia on me I immediately felt the heavy feelings dissipate. As I placed her head on my shoulder to rest and gave her a warm embrace to comfort her, He comforted me. As I said, “I’m here for you, I love you Olivia.” He said, “I’m here for you, I love you Rachel.” As I laid her down, He laid my mind to rest. As I gave her sleep, He gave me peace. As I said, “Goodnight, my love. Goodnight, my daughter.” I heard Him whisper those exact words to me too.
He woke me up from a deep sleep I desperately wanted to wake up from. He guided my heart and hands towards love. He made me see the beauty in this thing called life when all I saw was darkness and sorrow. Through Him, small moments are the big moments: we must open our hearts in order to notice them. I know I will continue feeling the highs and lows of what I’m going through. It’s a process. But through strong faith and constant love lies the weightless feel I need to carry during the recovery to my victory.
Wake up, love and be loved!